


I will tell your story if you die

by fullmoon02



Category: American Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 16:25:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/541485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoon02/pseuds/fullmoon02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm gonna leave you drowning until you reach for my hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will tell your story if you die

His eyes. How could a man have such beautiful eyes? The eyes were the first thing that caught Paul’s attention when he was introduced to James Dean. The James Dean, as Paul always said to everyone. He wanted to make sure that people understood how unique he had been. Paul knew that he was not the only one who thought James Dean had been magical but sometimes he doubted if anyone would ever truly understand just how special James had been to him.

Paul was a true believer of love at first sight. He knew it was possible because he had experienced it himself. James Dean had been the first one he had fell in love with at the second he had looked him in the eyes. After that it had only happened once: a few years after James’ death, when he had met Robert Redford. With Redford Paul had been able to share the same kind of bonding he once had with James. Only that it was not the same. It was never exactly the same. But it was close enough to give him comfort.  
If Paul would have been asked about his feelings of James Dean after their first meeting, he would have described James as a wild, young gun. That was not very far from the truth but it was anything but the thorough description of his personality. When James had auditioned with him for East of Eden, it was not the auditioning that had made him nervous. No, it was the presence of James. James had been able to keep cool for the whole time while he had been giggling like a little girl. Paul was sure everyone had noticed the chemistry between him and James. Yet, to his surprise, no one had ever asked him about his relationship with James. That might have been because everyone knew it was a private subject.

After he had met James for the first time, he never wanted to leave from him. He wanted James to stay close to him. His every cell was screaming for his touch. It was only with James that he was able to feel completely relaxed and safe. He remembered James different than probably anyone else in the whole world. He remembered sitting on a couch with him, just listening to music or reading a book. They read poems to each other. Sometimes they underlined lines in book that felt perfectly written. Paul still had a few books that had James’ notes inside. He had kept them safe and had very rarely opened them. Paul still remembered the days when he and James had been driving for hours, just aimlessly cruising around. James had always wanted to be the one who was driving. Paul had nothing against it. He just enjoyed the ride.

If someone would have asked Paul a simple, straight question of “were you together?” he would have given a simple, straight answer and said yes. But no one asked. So he never told. In a different time, in a different place and without James dying, they would have become partners. There had been a few brief moments when Paul had seen glimpses of the life they would have had together. It would have been magical. They had talked about that, just a few weeks before James had died. After that they both had decided to forget the fact that they could never be publicly together. Paul didn’t know if James had been able to forget it but he knew he never could. Still, after many decades of James’ death, a day did not go by without Paul thinking about him.

At night sometimes Paul noticed he still talked to James. James never answered to him but often Paul felt the absence of a familiar person near him. When that happened, it was very difficult for him not to cry. Every time he cried he knew he could never be comforted because he was mourning something that was long gone and unknown to everyone else. Paul could not remember where he was when he heard of James’ death. If he would have tried very hard he probably could have remembered something from that moment but he had once decided to bury that memory so deep down he could not reach it anymore. There were moments when some complete stranger reminded him of James. No matter how he tried to think rational, the realization always hit hard when the stranger was not James. Those were the moments when he felt most lonely.

James had been popular for years before his early death. And death had no power to stop him being popular. In fact, quite instantly James became immortal. His pictures were everywhere. There was no place to hide but Paul was not sure he even wanted to. Paul saw people crying because of James’ death. Seeing people who had never even met him missing him so much was the thing that made Paul realise how deeply James had changed not only him but the rest of the world as well. It had been very odd to hear people talk about him wherever he went. People were talking about him like he would have been their friend or a lover. To Paul James had been both but Paul decided not to talk about it.

Some rock star had once stated that it’s better to burn out than fade away. Paul had lived a long life, full of good things and amazing people, but he was also fading away. And James had been the one who had burnt out. James had burnt out so quickly that it had required huge flames. A big fire burns very bright and stands out. Just like James. It’s very beautiful and very, very amazing when it’s all happening but it’s also very sad to notice how soon it’s all over. Paul could only hope that James would be there when he died. His dream was to take his hand and simply walk away from this world. And then he would live the life he always wanted to create himself. To build a new reality where James never left and they grew old together.

He was thinking all this while holding a book in his hand. The book was James’ favourite: The Little Prince. Paul opened it and read a section which James had underlined so many years ago. So many years ago that it felt like a completely different world. It had been the world where Elvis Presley had not yet recorded any hits and where no one had ever heard of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. He thought all this and felt old. He read the underlined paragraph from the book. It said:

“You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them... In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... You - only you - will have stars that can laugh!”

Paul looked around him, tears in his eyes. He turned the pages of the book until he found the page he wanted to read. He reached out to grab a pencil from his desk and underlined this paragraph:

”Wait for a time, exactly under the star. Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair and who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is. If this should happen, please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back.”

He then closed the book, knowing that he would never again open it. He placed the book back to the shelf and left the room. He closed the door quietly behind him. He then walked down the stairs and headed to the bedroom. Before opening the bedroom door he stopped briefly and looked at the picture on the wall. It was an old photograph, taken from him and James when they were auditioning for East of Eden. They both looked each other, not towards the camera. And they both looked very happy. Paul looked at the picture, winked and stepped inside the dark bedroom.


End file.
